The Bathtub( A Dan and Phil Fan fiction)
by SpecialPotassium97
Summary: Dan is in a low place, his only solace being the bathtub. What happens when Phil stumbles across him at his lowest point?
1. Chapter 1

_**Hey guys, so I've been reading a lot of phan fic recently (that's Dan Howell and Phil Lester fanfic for those of you that don't know) Anyhoo, all of the fics I've read portray Dan as being the darker, lonelier on, and so I thought I would have a go at writing it myself. I'm planning on continuing this, and Phil of course will come in the next chapter.**_

 _ **Hope you enjoy it, thank you for reading. Reviews are highly appreciated, and I should add that there might be triggers in this for some people.**_

 _ **Thanks!**_

Chapter one- Dan.

The water was cool against his skin.

He watched as bubbles floated to the surface in desperate streams. Strands of dark hair floated and swayed by his head, and he reached up with a hand to touch the silky mass. Feeling the effect that only water could have. His eyes stung, and his throat was burning. But he stayed where he was, floating in the bathtub. He let his arms drop to his sides, relaxing his muscles and letting them bob gently in the water. He could only hear the swish and gloop of water as tiny waves moved past his clogged ears. He was lost in his head, shut out from the rest of the world behind a bathroom door with a dodgy lock.

It was cold. Much colder than before. He didn't know how long he'd been under, but he felt a wash of cold water that was not welcome. He closed his eyes in the hope that it would go away, focusing on a melody in his head. Slow humming that only he was able to hear.

He had read that drowning was the worst way to die. Much to his disappointment, it wasn't. It was tranquil, and oh so easy. He deserved a harder death, really he did. But he was so far into this one, it was too late to back out now.

A feeling of fuzziness started to cloud his thoughts, and the light, airy feeling began to fade. The darkness he had been dreading started to take hold, and the feeling of panic bubbled in his stomach as his brain became aware of what was happening. His reflexes set in, and he fought with his body for control over his limbs. Splashing water over the sides of the bathtub as his legs kicked empty air, and his arms flailed uncontrollably.

With every ounce of willpower he had, he stayed down. Breathing in the liquid until his lungs were full and he had no strength left to fight. Until finally, the whispers of silence echoed in his head. And he felt that tranquil light he had been looking for come toward him. Teasing him and pulling him to a destination he had only dreamt about.

The last bubble left his smiling lips, and he blacked out completely.


	2. Chapter 2- Phil

Chapter 2 – Phil

He stirred the spoon around the mug a few times before clinking it on the edge and throwing it in the sink. He picked up both mugs of tea and carried them through to the living room, setting them down on the table. He picked up his laptop and slumped down on the sofa, adjusting a few times until he was comfortable, before opening up Tumblr and settling down.

Phil yawned softly, stretching out his arms slowly. He finished his tea and set the mug down on the table. He looked at the now cold cup of tea meant for Dan and frowned. Dan had said he was going for a bath ages ago, and he was usually done by now.

He hated cold tea, and he knew Phil was making him some. So why wasn't he here?

Phil decided to investigate the situation further. He stood up, stretching again, and began to make his way around the house. In a search that was only semi-serious.

Dan wasn't in the kitchen, he wasn't in his bedroom, he wasn't in Phil's bedroom, and definitely wasn't in the living room. So that only left the bathroom…

"Dan..?" Phil called out as he headed towards the bathroom, unsure as to why his friend would still be in there.

"Dan, are you in there?" Phil knocked on the door gently, not wanting to burst in.

"Dan..? Dan, I made tea… But your one's cold now, so I, um.." Phil trailed off at the realisation that he had had no reply. He knocked again, this time a little louder, just to make sure he had been heard. He tried turning to door knob to get in, and felt the door shift slightly.

"Dan you're starting to worry me" Phil said it in a joking tone, but could hear the panic starting to slip into his voice. Something was very, very wrong.

He pushed on the door again, relying on the lock to be broken.

"If this is a prank, I'm gonna get you back" He muttered to himself whilst jiggling the door in an attempt to make it open.

There was a cracking noise, followed by the door swinging open, with Phil still attached. He stepped into the bathroom and shoved his hand over his eyes. Not particularly wanting to see Dan naked.

"Dan..?" No noise had been made since he'd entered the room. No screaming for him to leave, no awkward remark, no splashing in response. Nothing.

Phil felt a feeling of dread settle in his stomach as he slowly removed his hand from his eyes. There was water everywhere. Spilling from the sides of the bathtub and onto the floor in messy puddles. Phil's breathe hitched as he saw his friend lying lifelessly in the water.

"DAN!"

He ran over to the bathtub, sliding on the slippery surface of the floor. Falling to his knees in front of Dan's face. He grabbed Dan's hand and felt for a pulse, tapped at his cheek with trembling fingers, and screamed his name. Utter panic over took Phil, and he barely noticed the tears as they streamed down onto Dan's face. He ended up with his arms under Dan's shoulders, dragging him out of the water. Dan's head flopped down onto his own chest as Phil struggled to pull his six foot three unconscious best friend out of the freezing cold bath. He managed to slide Dan out, and set him down on the floor. He grabbed all the towels he could find and began to rub them on Dan, begging the friction to heat up his almost blue friend.

"dandandandandandandandandan"

Scrambling off the floor, Phil ran, muscles burning, to the telephone. Calling an ambulance and blurting out everything he'd found through a cracked voice and blurring vision.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 4

"Please hold on please stay with me please dan please"

The paramedics bustled and moved, the floor was slippery as freezing water splashed around. Phil clutched Dan's hand, unable to let go of his friend. He kicked and fought as the paramedics prised him away, not thinking enough to realise that they were helping. He knew his face was wet, but couldn't tell if it was water from the bath or tears.

Phil found himself clutching his knees to his chest, rocking back and forth silently. Unstoppable tears streamed as he watched them carry his pale blue best friend away. Everything was blurry and out of focus as his brain attempted to process the situation.

A man was in front of him, talking, but the words were indecipherable as Phil heard the blood rush around his head. Phil looked down to see a hand on his knee and the concerned face of the paramedic talking to him. He was being helped up, a blanket around his shoulders and arms supporting his body as they moved him away from the bathroom and into the living room.

He sat on the sofa, silent and numb as they moved around the flat, watching as the ambulance lights flashed colours through the window.

He heard a bang and was snapped out of his daze, moving on autopilot to the sounds. The paramedics were in the hall, on the stairs, and Dan was…

The gurney was hard to maneuver down the narrow stairs and Phil watched as they tried to get Dan downstairs. Phil followed them as they moved and walked into the Ambulance, finding it strange to be at the source of the lights. Paramedics were talking to him again but Phil found that he couldn't prise his eyes away from Dan. They had covered him up in towels so he was decent, but his skin was wet and pale and so exposed. Phil's heart was breaking at the sight of his best friend, and he found himself clutching Dan's head again, and whispering, "please please please" like a mantra as they hurtled towards the hospital.


	4. Chapter 4- Dan

Chapter 4

Dan was floating.

He could feel himself floating in a vast emptiness, dark and comforting. He couldn't see anything, but he could sense his body being there. He let himself embrace the silence, thankful that it was all over at last. No pain, no guilt, no anguish. He was free to drift forever, and he could feel that it was okay to float in this void.

A sharp light flashed to his right, and he felt a spark of doubt.

There were colours gradually approaching him from a distance. Pale blues and greens, a soft white. He floated towards them, feeling like it was the natural thing to do.

Another sharp light flashed to his left, and he felt himself recoiling away from it.

He tried to continue towards the lights, he tried so hard to stop thinking about the flashes, but he knew that more of them were coming.

Another flash hit from behind him, and he felt what he'd been running so hard from, pain. His back arched as it hit his chest, and his fingers tingled with the most intense pins and needles he'd ever felt. This was wrong, all wrong. He was supposed to feel safe here, he was supposed to be away from the pain. He pushed forward, fighting against the flashes, finding that he could pretend they weren't happening.

But then he heard the voice.

"DAN!"

It shook the walls of his shelter

"Dandandandandandandandan"

It cracked open his colour cloud

"Please hold on please stay with me please dan please"

He felt his body shaking as the feeling of ice moved through his body, the cloud twisting and distorting away from him

"Please please please"

And then his face appeared. The face Dan both wanted to see and didn't.

Phil Lester. His best friend. The only real friend he had, and the friend that he had to leave behind. The image blurred and jolted, each time it did another sharp pain hit him.

The flashes were becoming more frequent and harder each time, they were bigger and brighter and more painful.

There were other voices flooding his space, chattering and beeping and wailing. It was too much, too fast, he tossed and turned trying to curl up, but the pain jolted his body straight every time he tried to curl up. He couldn't cope he couldn't cope he couldn't cope HE COULDN'T CO-

"Beep…..Beep…..Beep…..Beep"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Phil sat in the waiting room staring at a cold cup of coffee. It was 2AM and he'd been there for hours. He felt disorientated, and lost. He tried so hard to process what the doctors and nurses told him, but all he could think about was Dan's face submerged in water.

He pulled at the edges of the cup, ripping the polystyrene into tiny pieces and dropping them into the coffee. He'd bought it more out of a need for something to do than because he was actually thirsty.

"Mr Lester?" Phil blinked himself out of his trance to see a nurse kneeling in front of him.

"Mr Lester?" He swallowed and nodded, trying to push some sound out after hours of not talking.

"The man you brought in, Mr Howell is-"

"Dan."

"Pardon?"

" His name is Dan"

"Oh. Well, your friend, Dan, is in a stable condition. Is there any way that you can get in touch with his family?"

Of course, he should have called Dan's parent's as soon as he got in. Idiot.

He nodded at the nurse slowly and pulled out his phone.

"Do they live nearby?"

"They, they live an hour away.. I, I should have call-"

"Don't worry about not calling them, we can fix that by getting in contact with them now dear."

She took the coffee out of his hands and put it on an empty chair, then gently pulled on his arms to get him to stand up. He let himself be lifted and managed to stand with her. His legs felt like jelly, and almost buckled as they stood.

"Well, you're a tall one aren't you?"

He looked down at her as they started walking, noticing how far down she was. He also realised that he was leaning heavily on her. She had one arm around his back supporting most of his weight, and the other was holding his hand as they walked. He wanted to lean away to make it easier for her, but his body wasn't doing what his brain told it to. Plus it was kind of comforting having her there.

"Where are we going?" he mumbled.

"We're just popping outside to make that call to Dan's parents. We can't use mobiles inside the hospital, they mess with the machinery. And I thought that it would probably be best to call them this way, you could do with some air."

Phil only really heard the first sentence, but he nodded anyway.

"Would you like us to call anyone for you?"

Phil realised that he should have called his own parents as well, suddenly really realising that he really, really wanted his mum to be there. He shook his head at the nurse though, wanting to call them in his own time without her there.

"My name is Linda by the way. What's your first name my love?"

"P-phil" he stuttered out.

They stepped outside and he was hit by the cold autumn air. It was refreshing, and so nice to be out of the stuffy bleached white corridors. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, feeling the cold air moving down his throat. He opened his eyes and moved with the nurse as she gently lowered him onto a bench.

"Right then, do you have the numbers there dear?"

Phil pulled the phone out of his pocket and stared at the screen. A photo of him and Dan laughing was the wallpaper. He could feel the tears as they started to stream down his face but he ignored them as he unlocked it to find the numbers. He knew he was crying, but he felt so numb. As if his brain had blocked his emotions completely.

He handed the phone over to the nurse, knowing that he would be unable to talk coherently to Dan's parents. She seemed to understand, and took the phone to talk to them.

" Hello? Hello. Is this the number for Mr and Mrs Howell? My name is Linda, I'm a nurse at King's College Hospital in London. I'm afraid your son Dan has been admitted to the hospital, and if you can make it to the hospital as soon as possible I would highly recommend that you do. I'm calling from his friend's phone, Phil Lester? Yes, Phil… Your son is in a stable condition but again I would suggest coming here as soon as possible. Okay, yes...okay. Ask for me at the desk and I'll come and see you when you get here."

She hung up and handed the phone back to Phil. He was staring at the sky in a daze. He'd only half listened to the conversation, finding himself fixated on the clouds and the cold. He'd noticed that Linda hadn't let Dan's parent's speak much, but he understood that she was being professional. He clutched the phone in his hands, feeling the warmth from the battery, and thinking about how he was going to explain things to his parents.

Linda turned to him, "I'm going to go inside now. I'll come and find you in a bit and check you're okay. I'll tell you when you can see him, okay?"

She squeezed his knee gently, stood up and walked inside.

He was left in the cold, staring at the stars, ignoring the tears that streamed down his face.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The flat was dark and quiet. Phil walked inside, finding himself gently pulling a hand along each wall, taking in these familiar, and distressing circumstances with his hands. His parents were on the way to see him, but he knew it would be a few days before they could come. Not because the journey was particularly long, but because they had things to sort out at home, and at work. They had promised to be there as soon as possible. He was actually glad they weren't driving that night. He was craving the comfort of his parents, but he also craved isolation.

He'd wanted to stay at the hospital with Dan, but was sent home by the nurses. Linda had ordered a taxi for him to take him back to the flat, finding money from his wallet for him and giving it to the taximan. Before he knew it he was standing by the front door in a daze. They'd told him that he'd be more use once he'd had some rest, but Phil knew that no amount of rest would ever make him feel less useless.

He turned the lights on and looked at the chaos that had been left. The floor was wet, puddles and splashes clinging to the floor and soaking through his socks. He curled his toes away from the water, and tiptoed past them carefully. He could hear the sirens and the questions and the madness of earlier echoing through the empty flat, but he wasn't aware of them. They'd been looping through his head all night, the panic, and flashes of Dan turning blue. He was too numb and tired to try to block them, so he let them stay there, but he didn't acknowledge them. Turning the scenes into his invisible sick and twisted company for the night.

He walked so softly through the flat. Not wanting to disturb the eerie silence that had fallen. It was dark, but the city lights came through the windows. Giving him enough light to see without it hurting his head.

He moved swiftly past the bathroom and bit his lip, trying to hold back the wave of emotion. He fought against it, pushing it down for another time. He was too exhausted to feel and remember properly.

He pushed the door to Dan's room open gently. Taking in a deep breath as he stood in the doorway. He stepped inside tenderly and exhaled. He stood in the same spot for what felt like hours. He had no concept of time really, but he didn't care. He let his eyes roam over the items in Dan's room. Smiling occasionally at memories that flickered in his head, before remembering what had happened that night.

Finally he moved, shuffling to the bed. He collapsed in a heap on it, and curled up into a ball. He felt wrong being on Dan's bed without him knowing, but he wanted to be able to feel the presence of his best friend around him. He felt exhausted, but unable to sleep, but gradually he felt himself slipping down into that blanket of dreams and darkness, as sleep found him.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan was floating again.

This time, the space was light blue and felt more contained than the last. The flashes of pain were gone, but the voices and images were not. The images of his family, friends and Phil crying played on loops, cycles he tried not to look at. The voices however, were an ongoing cacophony. Dan had the feeling that unlike the images, the voices were in real time.

And although he was surrounded by noise and pictures, this space was empty.

He heard the nurses and beeps, the sound of wires being moved and the elderly coughing. He heard words that were only familiar because of doctor shows and words he, for all his intelligence, did not understand.

Lost in listening to the noise, Dan didn't notice as the space's colour began to get darker. The light blue hue dimmed and the space became a shade between dark blue and grey. The images and video loops morphed into one video, and although he knew how it went, Dan could not tear his eyes away.

He watched through the perspective of his own eyes, as he sat down at the desk in his room and played with the corner of his notebook. Folding and unfolding the paper in his restlessness. He heard and saw as he tapped his pen against the wood of the desk, and watched his hand as it scrawled and crossed out sentences until the paper was crumpled up and thrown in the bin. This process had been hard. He remembered.

The pretence of a bath had pulled him away from Phil's company, and he sat now trying and trying again to write his goodbyes.

Dan watched as his past self got to the point where his sentences would not be crossed out. And he was struck by sharp pains again with each and every word of his pathetic parting.

The pain was almost unbearable, and amidst it he was struck with the fact that this afterlife was more painful than death had been itself.

He was shaking, his whole body convulsing. An unstoppable, uncontrollable force had taken over him. He tried to talk, to say something to make it stop, but he could only grunt and listen as unwanted noises left his mouth. The light was changing again, and he could see it pulsing as it got lighter. Each pulse meant more pain, and one word would not stop circling in his head, round and round as he tried to fight,

"Fuck"


End file.
